DD Day 17

Today's Scripture: Matthew 6:22

"The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light."

Today's Talk: "Come What May, and Love It" by Joseph B. Wirthlin

I have been very intrigued by the idea Russel M. Nelson put in my head about spiritual binoculars. When looking for the technical term for the gear he refers to (it's called the focus nob) I found out a few more interesting things pertaining to this analogy. I have wanted to explore this more, but I needed to have some time to do it. Well, I am not working today! So, prepare to be amazed about what I have learned about binoculars ;)

DD Day 16 Review

Sometimes when I read the scriptures there are phrases that just resonate in my soul. They jump off the page and connect to me. When I was reading the 31st Psalm today, there were quite a few of these. With a bit of rearrangement, this could be from me:

"I am in trouble... mine eye is consumed with grief" (v.9) So please, Heavenly Father, "Bow down thy ear to me" (v. 2). Please, don't just hear me. Come closer because what I have to say I may only be able to whisper and I need you close to hear. To comfort me while I share. I need to know, that "thou has considered my trouble" (v. 7).  Not just heard me,  but you have thought carefully, taken into account and looked thoughtfully at what troubles my heart. Because right now, "I am forgotten... I am like a broken vessel" (v. 12). A vessel, meant to carry your love and mercy. But it feels broken and I feel forgotten. Heavenly Father, I need you to remind me to "be of good courage" (v. 24) because you will "Let the lying lips be put to silence" (v.18). Especially when those lying lips are found only in my head. For there is "hope in the Lord" (v. 24) and "Into thine hand I commit my spirit" (v. 5).

Anyone who knows me really well, knows that Jeffery R. Holland has often served as a beacon of hope in the sea of my lose. What I am feeling now is lose. His words have brought me nearer to God and have pulled me through some of the darkest shadows. So, knowing I would surely feel more broken today, I felt it was timely to hear him remind me that God can and does mend broken things. I need to hear an apostle of God remind me of this great promise: "I promise you He is not going to turn His back on us now. When He says to the poor in spirit, 'Come unto me,' He means He knows the way out and He knows the way up. He knows it because He has walked it. He knows the way because He is the way."

I am trying "to reach out, however feebly, for Him". Because God is for me. He is never against me.

A Larger Look at a Secret Pain

I'm not really sure why it still hurts so much. It isn't like I have never been released from a calling before. Really, there was only one other calling that hurt to be released from and the was the Relief Society Presidency. Presidency callings are the only callings that I've felt like I haven't finished. I thought I had through camp this year. I had very specific confirmation about that. Which, of course, leaves me to wonder what I did wrong. Camp Kick-Off was last night. It was the trigger I knew would be pulled yesterday. It was the reason I finished my report for the day by 6:30. Because I knew that I would not see things in the same light later.

A little part of me keeps say, "Grow-up, Kelli". Another little part points out how much of my time was spent in meetings and I should be grateful that I don't have to do that anymore. I should be grateful to have my time back. And yet, I miss them so much. I miss the feeling of being needed by them. I miss the inspiration. I miss their testimonies. I miss the curriculum that I had so little time to work with. I miss feeling helpful. I miss talking to them. And though it is stupid... I feel exiled. Like I am no longer allowed. And I don't want to be that person that can't move on, but when you have that kind of experience. When God clarifies everything so that He can work through you. So that He can touch the lives of His precious daughters. That is a hard thing to move away from. It is hard to be released from His service because He just doesn't need you there anymore.

I try to keep trying to rely on the scriptures that Heavenly Father sent my way when I was released. It started with Jeremiah 29: 11-14 which has been my go-to scripture for the past 6 years. The scripture I always read when things get tough because God promises: "I will be found of you" (v. 14). When I got released, I read this and felt compelled to follow the footnotes. The scripture connected to "expected end" (v. 11) is Jeremiah 31:17 but I actually start at verse 13: "...for I will turn their mourning into joy, and will comfort them, and make them rejoice from their sorrow...Thus saith the Lord; Refrain thy voice from weeping and thine eyes from tears: for thy work shall be rewarded saith the Lord...And there is hope in thine end..." (Jeremiah 31: 13, 16-17).

Honestly, though, the only way I could have prevented this pain was to never have been YW president. Or to have held back. To have given less of myself. And that would have been the greater loss. Because these girls are worth everything and deserved no less from me.

DD Day 16

Today's Scripture: Psalms 31:12

"I am like a broken vessel."

Today's Talk: "Broken Things to Mend" by Jeffery R. Holland

I was reading over some of my posts today while I added more of the days that were written by hand. It occurred to me that I seem to sound positive. Definitely  more positive than I feel. Inside I still feel broken. There are so many things that don't make it to these pages. Because while I may seem forthcoming, I really don't want everyone to know the complexity of the damage I feel. What you see here, is only a peek. What you see here is my attempts to fill the cracks with God. It is quite therapeutic. 

A few years ago, a friend of mine sent me an email with this video. It came at another time when I felt broken. I might need to hear it again because it did help.

DD Day 15 Report

Neal A. Maxwell said, "worldly anxieties are not part of being 'anxiously engaged' (D&C: 58.27)". Sometimes, it is time to stop. To be still and know He's God. "God is in the details! Just as the Lord know all of His vast creations, He also knows and loves each in any crowd- indeed, He knows and loves each an all of mankind".

As you all know by now, one of my great fears is that I am failing as a mother. Today, I started reading a new book (I'm still keeping my reading to uplifting stuff instead of escaping stuff), No More Perfect Moms by Jill Savage. Something she said in the book really struck me: "There are no perfect moms- just imperfect women who will fall off the pedestal of their own expectations more often than they care to admit." I don't know how many times I have fallen off my own "perfect pedestal" and then picked it up to hit myself in the head with it. You know, just to make sure it sunk in. And then I erect it again and try to climb up. Funny thing is, I am not suppose to be perfect yet. God has provided "ample provision" for the redemption of His children. This provision "consists of imperfect people like you and me, committed to shining and serving in our appointed orbits, knowing all the while that we are encircled 'in the arms of (His) love' (D&C 6:20)".

He has started a great work in me. Before I came here. When I was baptized at 17. When I recommitted to not only believing but knowing the gospel. When I promised Him and received a further endowment of His glory. When I became wife, mother, primary teacher, education counselor,  YW president... Right now. He has started a great work in me and He has no intention of stopping until "the day of Jesus Christ". I don't need to be perfect. Only authentic. I don't need to stand on the proverbial pedestal. Only kneel before Him.

DD Day 15

Today's Scripture: Philippians 1:6

"Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:"

Today's Talk: "Encircled in the Arms of His Love" Neal A. Maxwell

God is not finished with me yet. Today is just a little pick me up. A reminder that God loves me. A boost to that confidence that "he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it". And because I already know that triggers will be pulled today... I think I will need that confidence.

DD Day 14 Report

Heavenly Father is still speaking to me. He is still guiding me. I chose to talk because I liked the title, but when I began reading it I discovered something God is saying to me today. "Each of us has problems that we cannot solve and weaknesses that we cannot conquer without reaching out through prayer to a higher source of strength." God knows how I feel even when I forget to tell Him. CONFIRMED. God loves me enough to give me answers. CONFIRMED.

I am an expert at prayers of the heart. I feel like I almost always have some prayer reaching toward heaven. Even when there are no words and the feelings are jumbled. I am also pretty good at the lay-in-bed-when-you-need-to-get-up prayers. What I am not so good at is hitting my knees. Usually, kneeling to pray is reserved for family prayers.

Today, I was reminded that Jesus "being in an agony, prayed more earnestly" (See Luke 22:44). To do so, He removed himself from the world and knelt. He placed himself in a pose of supplication  In a position of reverence and respect. He knelt. Then He told Heavenly Father his concerns. His fear. His worry. That small little part of him that whispered, "if thou be willing, remove this cup from me" (Luke 22:42). The fact that he prayed "earnestly" and in "agony" combined with the knowledge that the apostles had time to sleep tells me that he prayed for a while. I imagine that there were many things he discussed with the Father during his time in Gethsemane even though we are only given to know a small portion. I wonder, what he was thinking as "His empathy was earned" bleeding from every pore. I wonder if the angel that appeared "unto him from heaven, strengthening him"  was a foreshadowing of how He would one day stand with us to give us support. Knowing full well our pain because He experienced it first hand. 

James E. Faust reminded me that, "God knows our needs better than we can state them, but He wants us to approach Him in faith to ask for blessings, safety, and comfort." He knows my thoughts turn negative. He knows for every good thing I might think towards myself I tend to think five horrible things. He knows I really want to say "thy will be done", but I just can't yet. But if I ask, He can help me change my thoughts until one day I can. 

DD Day 14

Today's Scripture: Psalms 138:3

"In the day when I cried thou answeredst me, and strengthenedst me with strength in my soul."

Today's Talk: "The Lifeline of Prayer" by James E. Faust

After the debacle that was yesterday's "positive thinking" experience, I decided that before I can completely change what I think, I need to hand it to God. I need to plead for Him to keep the negative thoughts at bay. I need Him to strengthen my soul. If He can help me clear that field I can replant it with flowers instead of weeds.

DD Day 13 Report

So the good news is I found myself to be very successful at one thing... thinking negatively and pretending that it is positive. Example: While patting myself on the back as I dressed to go for a run, I said to myself, "Look, you can be a runner again. You just have to go in the dark so that no one can see how fat you look. Or how slow you go. Or how everything jiggles. Or how fall you've fallen. Or how often you walk." Then I, very positively, congratulate myself on being so smart as to think up a solution. Apparently, as my dear husband pointed out, that is not actually positive thinking. Hmmm....

That is an example of how my whole day went. I might need a re-do on this day. Sometime in the future.

DD Day 13

Today's Scripture: Psalms 146:5

"Happy is he that hath the God of Jacob for his help, whose hope is in the Lord his God"

Today's Talk: "Your Happily Ever After" President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Did you know there are happiness researchers? I didn't but apparently there are. One of these researchers, Dr. Barbara Fredrickson has said that even if you aren't normally a happy person, thinking happy thoughts is a skill that can be learned. Well, certainly I fall into this category. Maybe I can learn to think happy thoughts. Today is all about positive thinking.

DD Day Twelve Report

The Nameless Daughter

 

Mark tells of a woman who suffered greatly with an issue of blood. For twelve years she had to endure this trial. She saw many doctors and suffered many things in hope for a cure. She spent all her money but she didn't get better. Year after year she grew worse. We aren't given her name or age. We don't know anything about her family or friends. There is no history of her childhood. All we are given to know is that she suffered greatly. For 12 long years.

 

I can only imagine what it might be like to have an "issue of blood". The footnote in the Bible is hemorrhage. Some of the affects of blood lose are fatigue, pallor, dizziness. When I was pregnant with Nicole I was anemic and tired. I can see how dealing with just the physical symptoms could be overwhelming. How could she accomplish all she needed to on a daily basis.

 

As Mark tells us things "rather grew worse" for she lived in a culture that deemed her issue of blood as unclean. If her issue "be blood, she shall be put apart seven days" (Lev. 15:19). If someone touches her they are unclean. If she lies on anything-- unclean. Anything she sits on-- unclean. No matter how long "all the days of the issue of her uncleanness shall be as the days of her separation: she shall be unclean" (Lev. 15:25). Only after she has been rid of her issue for seven days can she begin to be clean. So this woman was considered unclean for roughly 4,380 days.

 

How awful is that? I don't know if she had a family, husband, children, parents but if she did can you imagine how hard it would be to know that your touch could make them unclean. What must it feel like to live a life of separations for 4,380 days. To make matters even worse, she was not allowed in the tabernacle. She was cut off spiritually. Wait, it does grow rather worse-- she has spent all she had on doctors to try to get better. But again, she only grew worse. Her life must have been engulfed in complete darkness.

• Financially-- she has nothing
• Socially-- she is cast aside, separated, marked as unworthy
• Spiritually-- she is cut off

And she just gets worse.

 

For 4,380 days she must have felt so unloved. So unworthy. So unclean. So "un-". Meanwhile she keeps hoping. Maybe this technique will heal me. Disappointment. Maybe this physician has the cure. Disappointment. Maybe tomorrow, next week, next month. Disappointment after disappointment. Yet she had to keep hope. Besides the hurt it was all she had.

 

Then she hears of a man from Galilee. A man who is reported to be able to heal. She hopes again. It's all she has. So she joins the crowd around him. When she sees him he is on his way to the home of Jairus to heal his daughter. Jairus, ruler of the synagogue. Jairus, well respected member of the community. Jairus who has a house full of people who care for him and his family. Jairus, financially fit. Jairus who is not "un-" anything.

 

I think I know how she felt right then because I have felt it too. She likely began with the enduring mortal trap of comparison. I goes something like this:

Me

• unloved
• unwanted
• unworthy
• unnoticed
• unneeded (I can do nothing)
• undesirable (with me nothing is clean)
• unnamed (the scriptures do not supply her name. I wonder how many people knew it or if she was just referred to by her illness)
• unclean
• unclean
• unclean
• 4,380 days unclean

Jairus



• so loved his house is full of supporters
• leader of the synagogue
• well respected in the community
• the most important official
• sought out by others
• an example of cleanliness
• worthy

At this point she would feel completely unworthy to interrupt Jesus' quest to heal the daughter of Jairus. They were worthy. They mattered. They were something. And here she was... nothing. She had nothing for she spent all she had. She had no one for she made them unclean. She didn't even have the support of her religion for she was unworthy. I have been here. At this point where I just knew  I was not worth the attention of the Savior. I don't have an issue of blood, but I do suffer from depression. There are times I live in the same darkness this unnamed women must have lived in. I have experienced the cycle of hope and disappointment. Though our reasons are different, I feel a kinship with this woman. Sometimes I don't feel like I can interrupt the Savior's important work for my unworthy problems.

 

This woman who has only her pain, her hope, her faith did something amazing. Something so small. She reached out to touch the hem of his robe. Just that. Just a small reach. just a brief touch. Just a tentative little action on her part. Then something wonderful happens. Something that is only recorded as having happened once in the scriptures. Unbidden, the Savior heals her. Never before and never again does this happen in recorded scripture. She didn't ask to be healed. He didn't instruct her to wash or arise or be healed. She just was. Immediately the "fountain" of her blood dried up. Without words. Without deeds. With only hurt and faith and a simple touch. She was healed.

 

What an amazing reminder! Sometimes all I have is pain. And all I can manage is a small and tentative reach. And my prayers have no words-- only tears. Through this story, the Lord reminds me that the meager offering of my pain is enough. That without words his virtue can leak out to heal me.

 

The story doesn't end here. There are still more miraculous things to come. Jesus, having felt virtue leave him, inquires as to who has touched him. Remember, according to Jewish law she was unclean and everything she touched became unclean. The laws of the land demanded that they "put difference between holy and unholy, and between unclean and clean." (Lev. 10:10). Just her act of touching Jesus could make him unclean until "the even". If she comes forward, what are the consequences? Will the throng of people desire punishment because she being unclean was among them and touched one of them? What would the man who she has placed so much hope on say about being touched without permission? Would he be angry? Would he ridicule her? Would he remind her who unworthy she was to touch him? Plus, after roughly 6,307,200 minutes of suffering she has finally experienced all of two minutes of relief. By coming forward would she lose that? Would she lose her life? It must have been very tempting to fade into the crowd. To hide. To live pain free. Even his apostles gave her an out by noting how many people were around.

 

But she couldn't. Her relief from the suffering she experienced was so remarkable that she had to come forward. She had to tell her story. She needed to testify of this great miracle. So she came forward. Again, she reached out. This time all she had to give was her faith. Once again she was blessed. Once again something miraculous happens. And once again, the things that happen have never happened before and will never occur in written scripture again. He calls her "daughter". Her, me. Daughter. The one who is perfect calls us daughter. We, the unclean, unloved, unworthy, unwanted, undesirable, unnecessary, "un-" women? He says daughter. He uses other endearing terms throughout the scriptures but this is the only time he uses daughter. After twelve years of being worthless, she was esteemed to be called daughter by this great man. Then he praised her. On his way to what all others deem an important task, he stops to commend he. The unnamed daughter.

 

When I feel unwanted. When darkness falls upon me. When I am trapped in a cycle of hope and disappointment. When I feel unclean, unnecessary, unworthy or any other "un-". When my own AM thoughts try to tell me I am unnamed, I need only reach out and remember-- He calls me daughter. 



DD Day Twelve-- Mother's Day

Today's Scripture: Mark 5:34

"And he said unto her, Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace, and be whole of thy plague"

Today's Talk: "To Look, Reach and Come unto Christ"-- Anne C. Pingree

This is a story I have been thinking a lot about recently. I thought Mother's Day was a good day to explore it more fully.

DD Day 11 Report

Elder Neal A. Maxwell said, "if I have any entitlement to the blessings of God, it has long since been settled in the court of small claims by His generous bestowals over a lifetime". For the past thirteen days I have seen many "generous bestowals".

Friends.

Good friends who are willing to reveal that they are not perfect by sharing with me their darkness. And by so doing demonstrate that their empathy was earned in the similar fiery furnace as mine. Making themselves vulnerable, they are truly Christlike friends.

Good Books.

The day I reviewed my Patriarchal blessing, I also recognized that I should be from the very best books and scriptures. This week I have not read anything that has not been meant to lift me. The vast amount of time I've spent reading lately has been meant as an escape. This week it has been about lifting up. I'm not saying that I will never read for entertainment again. But because I had been spending so much time doing so, a fast seemed in order.

Music.

I love  music. It is very powerful. This past week I have been trying to listen to uplifting Christian music. Don't get me wrong I still love Blue October and Linkin Park and Shinedown. I love that they can so easily take anger and depression and reflect it in a song. But I think that I need to fill my head with spiritual matters for a while. New  favorite song, "We Won't be Shaken" by Building 429.  It is a powerful song that reminds me that God goes before me. He stands beside me. He supports me when faint. The theme this year for the youth is "Stand ye in holy places and be not moved." Sometimes it is the "be not moved" that shakes me. The end of this song is "we will trust in you. We will not be moved." Right now I'm working on re-establishing roots so that I cannot be moved.

Confirmation.

Not that evil "CONFIRMED" stamp that is so bright red and degrading that I have been using to stamp all my fears into reality. But the small confirmations Heavenly Father has been sending my way. President Uchtdorf's advice that so clearly paralleled my own thoughts. Having a friend reach out to me because I followed the inspiration to blog all this. Honestly, I felt okay blogging this because no one read my blog any more. This is just confirmation that God is guiding my journey. Today I read something that confirmed my new "40-day" plan. I chose 40-days because it was how long Jesus fasted and prayed before embarking on his earthly ministry. Before dedicating the remainder of his life to the service of the Father. Today I read, "The number (40) has scientific significance, too: research has shown that after repeating a new pattern for forty days, you can change the neural pathways in your brain to create long-lasting change." Wow! I can hear and heed the council of the Lord without knowing every detail. "CONFIRMED"

Fellowship.

I don't mean the fellowship of my ward members. I already felt that even though I allow my comparison practice to use them as tools of Satan. I mean the fellowship I am finding with those stalwart men and women of the scriptures. Like how closely my life reflects that nameless daughter with the issue of blood. You know she was healed and all she had was her pain and faith. She was healed. And she was loved. I am also finding parallels of my life with David, probably because of all the Psalms I am reading. I look back at my life and see moments when my faith was strong enough to sling stones at my Goliethes. As I read words attributed to him I see times when I knew God was for me and so I could move forward even against armies of the devil. So much of David's early life prepared him for the calling of the Lord. There were many times as young Women's President that I could see clearly how the Lord had prepared me for that moment. Even with all of this David was still able to be tempted. Ultimately, his fear of being revealed as a man who makes mistakes lead him to continue to err. The story of David serves as both an inspiration and a cautionary tale. I want to be like the David who "behaved himself wisely in all his ways, and the Lord was with him" (1 Samuel 18:14). I want to be like the David that spares Saul's life not the David who turned away from God to hide his sins and ordered the murder of a faithful servant  I hope that I can catch myself in my failings before they go too far. I hope that I will remember that it is through the Lord that I find strength and redemption. That He is the only source of truth and "other truths, by comparison  are merely fleeting factoids about which we may be 'ever learning' without coming to a knowledge of the grand truths" (Neal A. Maxwell). Through David I am reminded to stay ever vigilant in my trust of the Lord no matter how strong the arm of man may appear.

Truly my small tithe of my time, thoughts and heart have provided an abundance of "meat in my house".

Doubt Diet Day Eleven

Today's Scripture: 3 Nephi 24:10

"Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in my house; and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of Hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing that there shall not be room enough to receive it"

Today's Talk "From Whom All Blessings Flow" Neal A. Maxwell

Yes, I know that today's scripture is about tithing and nothing about this process is about providing meat for the storehouse. But it is about tithing my time, my thoughts, my heart to the Lord. This process is about giving back to Him a portion of the resources He's given me: time and love. As I have dedicated a portion of my time each day to Him. To the building up the Kingdom of God. To the dedication of seeking Him rather than serving Him in the capacity of a calling. As I've done this I have noticed that the windows of heaven have been opened and the blessings have overflowed these pages and my heart. So today is all about counting the myriad of blessings.

DD Day 10 Report

Chapter 41 of Isaiah begins with a plea for silence to "let the people renew their strength". To let them come near. To come near together. Today I discovered in my neglected inbox a message from another amazing friend. She sent the message five days ago and when I read it I thought how timely it was that we can come near together. She no longer lives across the park from me but she is still drawing near. Sometimes when I feel like my ship is sinking fast I'm glad I can pause and find others in the same ship. To know that reaching out together we can bail the water quicker.

Have I mentioned that President Uchtdorf is one of my favorite speakers? Yes. Oh, good because he is. I really felt like I needed another day pondering this talk. In fact, I may need to hear it every day. I love that one section of this talk is "Why does Heavenly Father loves us?" I ask myself that question a lot. Why does He love me? President Uchtdorf says, "He loves us because He is filled with an infinite measure of holy, pure and indescribable love. We are important to God not because of our resume but because we are His children... this means that regardless of our current state there is hope for us."

Hope is a powerful word. In it resides possibilities. Things, good things,laying in wait to be claimed. In the context of this journey hope holds the power of light to illuminate the dark shadows. It is magnification of those small things Heavenly Father would have me find in myself. It is the tool to fix that broken focus knob so that the blurry images I see can become clear. Hope. You know I don't always like this word. Many times it has left me disappointed. But today it leaves me faithfully waiting on the promises of Heavenly Father. Today it reminds me "not to get discouraged if I stumble at times". Today, hope lets me know that trying is enough. "We must try to believe. Try to learn of God: read the scriptures; study the words of His latter-day prophets; choose to listen to the Father, and do the things He asks of us. Try and keep on trying until that which seems difficult becomes possible- and that which seems only possible becomes habit and a real part of you." Thank you President Uchtdorf. I could not have asked for a greater confirmation that this: a prophet of God describing exactly what I'm doing as the solution to my exact problem.

God is for me. He is never against me. CONFIRMED.

DD Day 10

Today's Scripture: Isaiah 41:10

"Fear though not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea I will help the; yea, I will hold up thee with the right hand of my righteousness"

Today's Talk: "The Love of God" Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Yes, I have chosen the same talk as yesterday. It is amazing and I need to hear it again.

Last night my friend shared with me her testimony. What is helping her get through time of doubt. It is found in hymn 85, "How Firm a Foundation". She reads all seven verses during sacrament to remind her of who she can lean on. She quoted the last lined of the hymn, "I'll never, no never, I'll never, no never. I'll never, no never, no never no never forsake!" Because God is always for us. He is never against us.

DD Day 9 Report

Jeffery R. Holland said, "So in our efforts to swim through our sea of troubles, we must master this thought; in the common parlance of our faith, we must get a testimony of it. God is for us. He is never against us." (For Times of Trouble)

Sometimes I forget this truth. There are times when everything is stacked against me. Our microwave is broken. Our refrigerator is sometimes working. Our laptop has no power. Why is everything against us? I think it becomes easy to forget that God is for us when so many things are against us. Not that I think God is against me... just indifferent. That these things that are so frustrating to me really don't matter to Him. Furthermore, the fault lays squarely at my feet. How can God stand with me when my problems are of my own making? He should be indifferent. It's my fault. I should suffer.

But here's the thing, He's not indifferent. He can't be because He is God. "...God always loves us. He is always for us. In His divinity He cannot do or be otherwise (or)... 'He would cease to be God': (For Times of Trouble). There are countless examples in the scriptures where we are reminded that nothing "shall be able to separate us from the love of God" (Romans 8: 39) Paul even provides a handy list of things that cannot separate us from God's love. Because He is always for us. He is never against us.

I had a great talk with a friend tonight. It was really nice to be able to pour out my heart to her. All the dark secret thoughts I have. Even the ones that never make it here. My icky and unfair comparisons to others. It was wonderful to share the burden with someone who understands my feelings... who has felt them. Who's dealt with them and is stilling dealing with them. Who is about a hundred steps ahead of me but is still willing to reach back and beacon me forward. She also shared her doubts, fears and pain. And even though there was a lot of pain in the air, it some how lessened it. Lightened it. Removed it. Sometimes as women we tend to bear all this doubt to each other and then wallow in it. But tonight, in addition to the pain, we shared the hope. We shared and strengthened our testimony of God's love for us. We shared what we are each doing to get away from the darkness. She inspired in me greater hope and bit more endurance. Thank you. Thank you for being there. Thank you for letting your pain turn to empathy and love. Thank you.

DD Day 9

Today's Scripture: Psalm 56:9

"When I cry unto thee, then shall my enemies turn back: this I know for God is for me."

Today Talk: "The Love of God" by Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Today, I thought would be a good day to remind myself that God is for me. He wants me to succeed. He wants me to know that He loves me. He stands beside me. He goes before me. He turns away my enemies. And if I am hurt, He heals me.

Yesterday Elder Didier stated that we gain, keep and grow our spiritual security through revelation. That is what I'm seeking to do. Find revelation given to others. Remember revelation provided to me. Listen carefully t the Holy Ghost testify new things to me.

DD Day 8 Review

Today wasn't a bad day, but it wasn't the best. Basically, I failed in the "don't be idle" category of my plan. I spent entirely too much time laying in bed watching television. It has left me a little down.

I found it interesting that I read two different incidents of people from the Bible saying, "get thee hence Satan". The first was the Savior and the second was Moses. Elder Didier uses the example of Moses to demonstrate that "Spiritual security increases because revelation teaches us about our true identity...Knowing who we really are prepares us to use that knowledge to face temptations, to resist them and then to act righteously."

DD Day 8

Today's Scripture: Matthew 4:11

"Then the devil leaveth him, and behold angels came and ministered unto him."

Today's Talk: "Spiritual Security" by Elder Charles Didier

For forty days the Savior struggled and fasted. Satan came and tempted him. Satan offered wealth, power... food even. But Satan can't tempt Christ away from the love of God. This was the process that the Savior went through just before he began his ministry. I don't know if there is something special or magical about 40 days, but I decided that 40 days sounds like a good amount of time for me to continue my doubt diet.

DD Day 7

Today's Scripture: Proverbs 24:16

"For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again: but the wicked shall fall into mischief"

Today's Talk: "Endure and Be Lifted" Russel M. Nelson

Today is all about getting up. Renee Swope says, "Perhaps you have also allowed failure to knock you down, tie you up with the ropes of regret and hold you hostage like I have." Yep! I am definitely part of this club! I suppose it is good to know I'm not the only one. The scripture for today tells us that the just man falls. Even those who have the knowledge of God and have known the love of God fall sometimes. But "Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: For the Lord uphodeth him with his hand" (Psalms 37:24)

Renee Swope states, "The truth is, following Jesus is not about avoiding failure and being perfect. It's about accepting our weaknesses and letting them leas us to complete dependence on God's perfect love and power at work in us." I think God really wants me to hear this since is the same message as yesterday.

DD Day 6 Part 2

All day I have been thinking about this song. Two of my beautiful YW sang this for us at camp.

He Loves Me by Katherine Nelson and Jessi Osmond. It is beautiful.

DD Day 6 Report

I chose the talk for today based on a search for the word "compare" on lds.org. This talk is little older than some of the others I have used. I was almost 13 when it was first given. I probably need it then. I'm sure I need it now.

Elder Ashton begins his talk discussing the word "worthy" The first thing I notice is this line: "We do not have to be hindered by self-judgement... We are not being fair when we judge ourselves." He is referring the fact that we have bishops and stake presidents to help us, but I want to apply these same words to my situation. Am I really being fair when I pass judgement on myself? Would I have been so quick to tell any of my friends that the events that occurred Friday definitely "CONFIRMED" all the bad things they thought of themselves? No, I definitely would not be yelling CONFIRMED! Yet I had no problem doing that exact same thing to myself.

Elder Ashton says "worthiness is a process..." A process? He continues by adding, "and perfection an eternal trek." I love that he separated these words. Very clearly there is a difference between being "worth" and being perfect. Meaning I do not have to be perfect to be worthy. I believe I fall into the category of people who "become comfortable in their self-declared unworthiness status".

Elder Ashton also spend some time discussing my biggest trigger to doubt: comparison. He discusses how we usually have biased comparison tests. Mainly that we tend to compare our weaknesses to others strengths. He also dispels the myth that "we've come to earth to perfect ourselves and nothing short of that will do." When really, there is no way we will become perfect in this life. He quotes Joseph Fielding Smith saying, "there will be greater progress beyond the grave."

Okay, so by now it is kind of obvious that the thoughts I think towards myself are not positive or accurate. So what are God's thoughts towards me. Me. Not the generic/universal answers to all. But me as an individual. It occurred to me that God has already given me a basic list and I can find it in my Patriarchal blessing. So here is sampling of the list of FM thoughts God has for me:

• "You have been blessed to have people who care about you." That is the first thing that is said to me. When I ponder this I discover that the list is actually quite long and specific to time and place.
• Heavenly Father knew me and I stood mightily
• I am very specifically blessed with the gift of happiness and peace
• Heavenly Father see me as someone who can search, study, read and comprehend. He sees someone who can learn.
• I am blessed with an ability to sort truth from error. This may very well be the blessing I need most. I pray the Lord will help me sort my own thoughts. That I will truly be able to see through the scams.
• He thinks I can raise a good family and be a mother in Israel. Does it really matter if I think I fail at this when He thinks I can do it?
• He thinks I can withstand unrest and turbulence. Interesting that He uses the word "turbulence". President Uchtdorf refers to the need to slow down during times of turbulence. To focus so that you will not be jostled as much. Maybe knowing that God knows I can withstand can help me take the time I need to get through.
• God thinks I will do many great things for the building up of the Kingdom. He does have need of me. He has positions for me. He also has the timeline.
• He thinks I am important enough to have a special shield about me in dangerous situations.
• He thinks I will do good.
• He thinks I am kind.
• He thinks I can help others.
• He urges me to "keep your eye single to the glory of God" He thinks I can fix the focus nob.

He knows the thoughts He thinks towards me. Thoughts of goodness and love. Thoughts of hope and peace. Thoughts of faith and perseverance. Thoughts of light and knowledge. Thoughts to bring me and "expected end". A life of peace and happiness.

DD Day 6

"Measuring Up"-- just reading the heading of today's devotional tells me that I really need this.

Today's Scripture: 2 Corinthians 10:12
"For we dare not make ourselves of the number or compare ourselves with some that command themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise"

Today's Talk: "On Being Worthy" Marvin J. Ashton

DD Day 5 Report

"Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." (Mark 9:24). This is the scripture that Elder Holland based his talk on. I feel like this scripture adequately describes me. Yes, I believe. But I am still in great need of help for my unbelief.

How? How can I help my unbelief? Elder Holland councils "In moments of fear or doubt or troubling times, hold the ground you have already won, even if that ground is limited... hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes." What I get from this is that I need to stop looking for things to "CONFIRM" my doubts. Instead, like the father in this story I need to lead with my belief. Elder Holland said, "Sometimes we act as if an honest declaration of doubt is a higher manifestation of moral courage than is an honest declaration of faith. It is not! Okay, FM thoughts. Hold fast to the ground I've gained. Stop declaring my doubt.

There is something else that stuck out to me today from the 7-Day Doubt Diet. Renee Swope shares this, "The truth is: you and I were not designed to be whom others expect us to be, or even want us to be. We were created to become all that God planned for us to be". Really, God just wants me to be what He planned for me. He didn't use a cookie cutter for any of us. Truly God's thoughts unto me are precious and the sum of them is great. He doesn't compare me to others. He doesn't expect me to be the same as someone else. In fact, He doesn't even want me to be the same as anyone else. Which is why He created me. I know this. I have been reminded of this many times in many different words. And I will probably need to be reminded of this many more times. Comparing myself to others; trying to be whoever someone else thinks I should be. These are things that I will probably always struggle with because I am human. But I have faith that the affects of this problem can be minimal just as soon as I fix my focusing nob.

DD Day 5-- Take 2

Today's Scripture: Psalms 139:13

"How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them"

 Today's Talk: "Lord I Believe" Jeffery R. Holland

 Here I am. One week after I felt inspired to start my doubt diet. This should be the last day of the seven day program, but instead I am repeating day five. So far this isn't the "best day ever" Here's the list:

• Had to get dressed in Sunday clothes. Trigger pulled.
• Late for church and missed most of Sacrament. Am I even worthy to take it? Failing as a Daughter of God. CONFIRMED.
• New Stake YW Presidency called. And guess what? They are all young, skinny, pretty, cool runners. Comparison trigger. Pulled. God doesn't have use for me. CONFIRMED.

Okay, so I have to stop doing this. Today, Julie Naisbitt shared her testimony. She was discussing Jeffrey R. Holland's address from this past conference entitled "Lord, I Believe". I don't really remember what she said but I do know the impact it had on me and the thoughts I had. I had been pondering about my broken focusing nob on my spiritual binoculars and how I can fix it. The thought that I had was that I need to rebuild the bridge. The part that connects one side to the other (aka the body hinge). Without being able to connect the two sides, my view will always be one side. So before I can work on the focusing, I need to work on the connection.

The first thing I need to build the bridge is a clear area. I have to remove the gunk that is sitting all over the spot where the body hinge will connect. Something that occurred to me on Friday when I was "off the wagon". Many times in my life I have felt like Martha. That I have so much to do that I forget the needful things. But right now, I may have the opposite problem. David didn't struggle until he was given idle time. He didn't sit on rooftops looking at his neighbors wife until after he had someone to cover the front lines for him. As YW president I often felt overwhelmed so I started carving out "me time". Mostly I started reading. A lot. Everything. I read so much that I'm not sure that I could tell you an individual storyline. They all just melted together. I no longer have a list of things to do on the "front line". Someone else is covering that. Perhaps now I don't have time for the "needful things" because I've dedicated too much time to idleness. I don't want to become like David as soon as I have time to rest on my rooftop. I don't want idleness to give way to a look, a name, a meeting, until I am at the point that I contemplate something that I never would have done before. It is time to clean that spot so I can rebuild the bridge.

DD-- Off the Wagon Day 2

Yep. Still off the wagon. Feasting on doubt. I didn't even peak at the scripture for the day. Just read a book and pretended to live in another world.

Time to try again. At the end of this day I decided that it was time to refocus. So I picked up a book we got for Christmas-- For Times of Trouble by Jeffery R. Holland. This book is designed to find peace during difficulties by focusing on the Book of Psalms. The Psalm and subsequent commentary that I read was Psalms 18:36; 94:18-19:

"Thou has enlarged my steps under me that my feet did not slip"; "When I said, my foot slippeth; thy mercy, o Lord, held me up. In the multitude of my thoughts within me thy comforts delight my soul"

Elder Holland said, "He deals with us rather than with the problems we face... the Lord steadies us in those moments when we slip. He secures secures our footing. He keeps us from falling." Sometimes I feel like I'm always falling, sliding, struggling to keep my balance. Sometimes, I am not sure I can ever right myself. Elder Holland continued, "But we would do well to pause and give consideration to the dozens of times that we didn't slip". Maybe I need to focus on trying to see the times I did not fall.

DD Day 5-- Off the Wagon

I totally "fell off the wagon" today. It was my Friday off work and I had plans. After I got the kids off to school I was going to catch up on my 50,000 loads of dishes, scrub the kitchen, clean the floors, was the windows, do some laundry, clean my room. Then at 10:00 I was going for a run until 10:30 where I would end at the school and walk Grace home talking about her day. Look at how proactive I was going to be! I was going to attack my triggers and fears head on!

Trigger: messy house........ Attack: clean it up
Trigger: getting dressed........Attack: wear work out clothes to run
Fear: failing as a mom........Attack: go on a walk with my daughter and clean house for kids
Fear: I can't run anymore........Attack: start running

Instead, this is how my day went. Sariah needed to print or send her essay to her teacher. It was do yesterday but her mom (me) sent the wrong one.

Failing as a mom: CONFIRMED

So I got up and ran to the store to look for a new cable.

Getting dressed: Trigger Pulled

Then I searched Wal-Mart. Nothing. Target. Universal cord $80. No way. Best Buy. Wait until it opens at 10. Universal charger selection from $60-110. No way. At this point I was now in a hurry to drive to the school to pick up Grace.

I will never be a runner again: CONFIRMED

Now I am pretty stressed out. No walk. No happy talk.

Failing as a mom: CONFIRMED. Again.

Then we try Sears. Maybe they have a power cord. Nope. By now there is no way that I will get Sariah's essay to her before "Fun Friday".

Failing as a mom: CONFIRMED. Again and again.

Heading home now, having failed in my task.

Messy house: Trigger Pulled.

And now I have received absolute confirmation that the focusing nob on my spiritual binoculars is, in fact, totally broken. All I can see today is the void.

Doubt Diet Day 4

Today's Scripture: Luke 10:40-42

"But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came to him, and said, Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? bid her therefore that she help me.

And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things:

But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her."

Today's Talk: "Of Things That Matter Most" by Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Here is what sticks out to me first from the 7-Day Doubt Diet: "Looking back now, I can see that I was doing things, but not all of them were God's things for me during that season of my life. The truth is I was serving God more than I was seeking God."-- Renee Swope.

 

 This was a comforting thought to me. Maybe, Heavenly Father wanted me to be released as Young Women's President not because He no longer needed me. Not because I could no longer serve Him. Not because I was no longer of use to the Young Women. Maybe now was the time to be released so that I could have more time to seek Him.

 

I loved serving Him. I loved working with all the beautiful young women in my ward. I loved seeing them grow and learn and build their testimonies. I loved hearing listening to them. I loved the inspiration that I constantly received in their behalf. I loved the feeling that the Lord sought out me to do for Him. But maybe, right now-- this season, is time for me to seek Him. You know, my dear friend Amanda (who also served with me in the YW Presidency) said something like this to me on the day the Bishop came to extend a release to me. I didn't really want it to be true. It seemed almost selfish that I would go from His service so that I could strengthen me. But today, I realized that that simplistic view was incorrect. He still has plans for me, but I need this time to seek Him. To build up my spiritual reserves and to strengthen my faith so that I can serve Him again when called. 

DD Day 3

Today's Scripture: Judges 6:14

" And the Lord looked upon him, and said, Go in this thy might, and thou shalt save Israel from the hand of the Midianites: have not I sent thee?"

Today's Talk: "With God Nothing Shall Be Impossible" by Russell M. Nelson

Today is all about figuring out my triggers. What sets off the downward spiral of my thoughts? What turns me away from the love of God to the vain promises of the world? With an eye towards processing my thoughts with God in a very honest way (see DD Day 3), here is a list of what triggers me.

• Seeing someone who is “perfect”. We all have them. A person who can do all the things you want to do. And do them better. Who can overcome trials that are similar to yours in a productive and positive way. Who can “run” from depression and feels that medication is for weaklings who are lazy and don't try. Who hasn't gained 40 pounds. Who can run a sub-nine minute mile. Who always wears new cute clothes. Who never has to worry about money. Who's kids always have their hair done.... You know that person.
• Looking back at all my many failures. Examining them to an extreme to see what I could do better. Playing the “if only game”.
• Disagreements
• A messy house. Sad, but true.
• Getting dressed in something other than sweats. I don't have clothes that fit...since I gained 40 pounds. The ones I do have I look frumpy in. And I really hate to get dressed on Sundays.

Renee Swope says, “Conflict, criticism and comparison are three triggers that lead me into that yucky place of uncertantiy” This is true for me as well. Though I think that comparison trigger is probably the biggest!

DD Day Two Report

When we got ready to say our family prayer tonight, Grace said, “Wait, I have to finish my super hero first!” I was intrigued about her new super hero so after the prayer I asked her to tell me about it. Her new super hero's name is Mrs. Giant. Mrs. Giant can step on the bad guys and crush them. She also has a fire button on her forehead that will make all the bad guys follow her and do what she wants.

As Grace explained this super hero, I wished I was that super hero. But guess what? I can be! From the very beginning God “put enmity between thee (Satan) and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thoushalt bruise his heel.” In Hebrew the word “bruise” means to crush. There seems to be a few different interpretations about how this all translates and whether both “bruise”s should be “crush” or only one. There is also discussion about how this was foreshadowing Christ's ability to overcome sin and death. Here is my interpretation based on what I've learned in my religious experiences... Satan can bite at and bruise the heel of man, but man through the atonement of Jesus Christ and power of God can crush Satan. That being said, I already have one of Mrs. Giant's super powers. I can crush the bad guys. I have access to the healing power Christ's atonement to heal the bruises left on my heals from trials, temptations and sins. I have access to the power of God to send Satan away and to crush his AM (against me) thoughts.

Guess what else? I have Mrs. Giant's other super power too! That is what I am discovering through this process. I have a “fire button” on my forehead that can turn all the bad thoughts to good ones. Just like switching the frequency from AM to FM. I asked Grace to explain how the fire button works. Do you push it when you see the bad guys? Does it shoot out fire? Is it a laser? She said no. When bad guys come around, they just switch to doing what she thinks. It's automatical. And I am finding the more I feel my head with the words of the Lord, the more “automatical” my “fire button” is.

I am also looking to develop a few more super powers. Something similar to what Elder Cook describes: “...we must have a “hearing ear” and a “seeing eye,” both directed upward. We must act on the direction we receive. We must look up and step up. And as we do, I know we will cheer up, for God wants us to be happy.”

So my report on this day... I AM A SUPER HERO! Now if only I could do something about the name...

DD Day Two

Today's Scripture: Romans 8:31

"What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?"

Today's Talk: : "Look Up" Elder Carl B. Cook

In the 7-Day Doubt Diet, Renee Swope discusses the different frequencies we may be on. She says that just like a radio, we have AM (against me) and FM (for me) frequencies. I haven't ever thought of it this way. I have used the radio as an analogy for tuning into the spirit. If I am just 0.1 off of the station, sometimes it doesn't come in clear. You know things like that. But I had never considered that there might be entirely different frequency that can all be picked up by a radio. Or, in this case, by me. So I have been thinking today, what frequency do I tend to tune into? And can changing my thoughts be as easy as switching the frequency I choose to listen to?

Instantly, one of my most favorite scriptures came to mind when I was thinking on this. Jeremiah 29:11-14, "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart. And I will be found of you, saith the Lord..." So now, I need to try to think more like God. Tune into His frequency and trust that His thoughts towards me are of peace and that He will be found of me. Specifically found in my head whispering FM (for me) thoughts.

Today's job is to keep a journal. Just like you might keep a food diary, you should keep a doubt diary. So today, when I doubt myself I will try to recognize it for what it is.

 

DD Day One Report

Today's Report:

This might be a little disjointed. My brain works that way sometimes.
 

What I learned today... I have to be in the belly of that fish. That sucks! But honestly, it feels like the wind against my family; the tempest of our sea rages. And while my family has cried to the Lord, I slept. Now the only solution is for me to enter the "belly of hell" and cry to the Lord with the confidence that like Jonah, the Lord will hear me. And I should hold fast to the confidence of David that "thou wilt not leave my soul in hell".
 

My prayer for today is inspired by that of David in Psalms 143:

  

"Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift my soul unto thee. Deliver me, O Lord, from mine enemies: I flee unto thee to hide me. Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: thy spirit is good; lead me into the land of uprightness. Quicken me, O Lord, for thy name’s sake: for thy righteousness’ sake bring my soul out of trouble." v.8-11
 

 President Uchtdorf offered great comfort for the duration. He says, "He (Heavenly Father) does not wish to break your spirit. On the contrary, He desires that you rise up and become the person you were designed to be." So it's good, right?

You know, President Uchtdorf is one of my all time favorite speakers. The one constant in all his addresses is that God does not expect us to be perfect in order to receive His love. It is not something we can win by our great skills or talents or even our perseverance. It is not something we become qualified for. It is not something we have to die for. "Isn’t it wonderful to know that we don’t have to be perfect to experience the blessings and gifts of our Heavenly Father? We don’t have to wait to cross the finish line to receive God’s blessings."

President Uchtdorf also promises, "The very moment you begin to seek your Heavenly Father, in that moment, the hope of His light will begin to awaken, enliven, and ennoble your soul. The darkness may not dissipate all at once, but as surely as night always gives way to dawn, the light will come."

 

DD Day One

DAY ONE

Today I am suppose to get real. You know, determine what my doubts are so that I can face them and expel them. So here is a small sample of my current doubts:

• That I will be eaten by a whale.... okay, not literally. But much like Jonah was swallowed up by a whale for attempting to run away from what was asked of him by God. Last year at Youth Conference in August, Hillary Weeks spoke a lot about doubts and working to over come them. So I have basically been running away for almost a year. I don't want to be in the stomach of a whale... not even figuratively.
• That I will never be as good at running as I was a year and a half ago.
• That Heavenly Father no longer needs me to work with Him to bring understanding and the love of Christ to His children. You know, because I can't be YW President anymore. Not exactly logical, but this is a big one.
• That I am failing as a mother and one day my children will escape and never look back.
• That I am failing as a daughter and therefore deserve my fate with my own daughters.
• That one day, I will be too overwhelmed/afraid to leave my house. And then I will be that crazy old lady who little kids are afraid of.
• That there is no longer a place for me in the things I put on hold for the past few years.

Alright, so this is starting to depress me. I think I have a good list of doubts. Now is time to start putting them to rest.

Today's Scripture: Hebrews 10: 35- 36

35 Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward.

36 For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.

Today's Talk: The Hope of God's Light

This is the talk that finally made it through my thick head to spur me to action.

Secrets of the Doubt Diet

A few weeks ago I received some inspiration on how to make my life better. I would like to say it was new and exciting, but the truth is I have been receiving this inspiration in so many subtle and not so subtle ways for the past few months. Here it is:

 

“Nevertheless, spiritual light rarely comes to those who merely sit in darkness waiting for someone to flip a switch.” (President Uchtdorf).

What?! You mean I have to do something? That's just crazy. I mean, I usually spend my time reminding my kids to turn the lights OFF. And if I ever just feel like sitting there, I can call my kids to come turn the lights on for me. But now I am suppose to turn the spiritual lights back on myself?... Of course I am. It is the only way it can be done.

Okay, so I'm pretty sure that I learned that “knowing is half the battle” (thanks GI Joe) when I was a kid. So what is blocking my light? What is causing the darkness? I have determined that I can sum it all up in one word: DOUBT. Yes, doubt. You're probably pretty amazed that I came up with this all by myself... okay, not entirely “all by myself”. I have had some guidence. The main source of this guidence (apart from the spirit, of course) has come from an unusual source... my Nook. See, I found this book I had downloaded some time in the last year. I thought it was a diet book so I hadn't really looked at it, but today I did. It is kind of a diet book though it has nothing to do with food. It puts you on a diet from your doubts.

The book is written by a faithful Christian women, Renee Swope. She is an author, public speaker and co-host to Proverbs 31 Ministries’ international radio program. Her book A Confident Heart, led her to write this program to be used as a daily devotional to help draw closer to God by gaining a confident heart. At first I wasn't sure this was really what I needed. Then I took the first advice from the 7-Day Doubt Diet, I read the first chapter of A Confident Heart. There was one part that really stuck out to me:

“That’s when I noticed a huge nine-foot shadow on the wall. I was surprised by how much bigger my shadow was than my five-foot-two-inch frame.

It was distorting my image on the wall by making my body look bigger than it really was. All of a sudden, it dawned on me. My uncertainty had created a huge shadow of doubt. Just like my shadow on the wall was distorting my shape, my doubt was distorting my thoughts and overpowering my emotions with confusion and questions. The shadow of doubt had become bigger than what I doubted—myself.

I just stood there looking at the humongous shadow. Then I bent down to put my makeup bag in my suitcase and sensed God whispering to my heart: You can only see the shadow because you have turned away from the light. Turn back toward the light.”

Whoa! Have I not just been told to get up and turn on the light! So here is the plan... I'm going on a doubt diet. For the next seven days, I will be woking on removing doubt from my heart. How, you ask, am I going to do this? Well there are only four daily steps to the plan.

1. Prayer
2. Talk
3. Scripture

Huh, kind of sounds like Primary so far.

4. Return and report

Each day I will read the scripture and advice that is outlined in The 7-Day Doubt Diet. The one change I will make is to read the scripture from the King James Version of the Bible instead of the NIV. As a Latter-day Saint, I also want to utilize all the resources that Heavenly Father provides me. One of the greatest sources is the living prophets. So I will also be listening and pondering one of the Conference addresses. I will also make sure to have a heartfelt and specific prayer with my Father in Heaven each day. Renee Swope offers written prayers in her devotional book. And while the prayers are beautiful and inspiring, I think God might want to hear about me in my own words. So my prayer will be more personal. Finally, I will return and report here. Why here? I am not sure. Maybe by having it available to all my journey will inspire others. Maybe I just need to feel accountable. Maybe my husband likes to be informed about all the thoughts in my little head and sometimes it is just easier to write it. I'm not really sure why, just that this blog is meant to be my tool

Monday will start day one. Wish me luck.