A Larger Look at a Secret Pain

I'm not really sure why it still hurts so much. It isn't like I have never been released from a calling before. Really, there was only one other calling that hurt to be released from and the was the Relief Society Presidency. Presidency callings are the only callings that I've felt like I haven't finished. I thought I had through camp this year. I had very specific confirmation about that. Which, of course, leaves me to wonder what I did wrong. Camp Kick-Off was last night. It was the trigger I knew would be pulled yesterday. It was the reason I finished my report for the day by 6:30. Because I knew that I would not see things in the same light later.

A little part of me keeps say, "Grow-up, Kelli". Another little part points out how much of my time was spent in meetings and I should be grateful that I don't have to do that anymore. I should be grateful to have my time back. And yet, I miss them so much. I miss the feeling of being needed by them. I miss the inspiration. I miss their testimonies. I miss the curriculum that I had so little time to work with. I miss feeling helpful. I miss talking to them. And though it is stupid... I feel exiled. Like I am no longer allowed. And I don't want to be that person that can't move on, but when you have that kind of experience. When God clarifies everything so that He can work through you. So that He can touch the lives of His precious daughters. That is a hard thing to move away from. It is hard to be released from His service because He just doesn't need you there anymore.

I try to keep trying to rely on the scriptures that Heavenly Father sent my way when I was released. It started with Jeremiah 29: 11-14 which has been my go-to scripture for the past 6 years. The scripture I always read when things get tough because God promises: "I will be found of you" (v. 14). When I got released, I read this and felt compelled to follow the footnotes. The scripture connected to "expected end" (v. 11) is Jeremiah 31:17 but I actually start at verse 13: "...for I will turn their mourning into joy, and will comfort them, and make them rejoice from their sorrow...Thus saith the Lord; Refrain thy voice from weeping and thine eyes from tears: for thy work shall be rewarded saith the Lord...And there is hope in thine end..." (Jeremiah 31: 13, 16-17).

Honestly, though, the only way I could have prevented this pain was to never have been YW president. Or to have held back. To have given less of myself. And that would have been the greater loss. Because these girls are worth everything and deserved no less from me.