Today Jaqui took Kaella and Morgan to get haircuts while I watched Ellie and Anna. Right away Sariah and Ellie created a new game. I heard them in the bathroom talking about playing a game and the word "hair"! Umm... they are old enough to not cut their own hair right?
Yes! They are! Please don't be cutting your hair... please don't be cutting your hair.
Whew!
So what's this game?
And then they started to explain the rules to Nicole. You can make your hair look pretty or you can make your hair look ugly. But however it really looks you are suppose to say, "My hair is soooo hideous!" (be sure to add a Valley Girl accent to this)! So then the girls ran around the house saying, "Your hair is so pretty! My hair is hideous! Hid-e-ous!" The very ingenious name of this game is (drum roll, please) Hideous Hair. Creative, huh?
So while they are playing my mind is pondering. Are girls born with this innate ability to criticize themselves. To always look at others and see that they are pretty, smart, talented etc., but never see those things in herself. When our hair really looks pretty, why do we have to say it is hideous. Are we born this way?
Then Jaqui and Kaella came back. They got trapped at my house by the hail storm for awhile, but of course they needed to check out their new haircuts. Don't judge, you know you do it too! This is what I hear from the two of them...
Kaella: This haircut makes me look frumpy. I should have cut it shorter
Jaqui: No it doesn't! Your hair is sooo cute! I wish I were brave enough to get a cute short haircut. My hair is the frumpy looking one.
Kaella: No mom! Yours is so cute. But I will never be able to wear a polo shirt now because this haircut and shirt really make me look frumpy!
Jaqui: Kaella, don't be silly! Kelli, can I borrow a pair of scissors? They never get this part right. Boy, I wish I had been brave enough to cut my hair short like Kaella's
And on and on! And I am serious, this is the conversation. I am not being dramatic.
Meanwhile, I am laughing in my head! And then I told Jaqui of the new game, "My Hair is Hideous"! It was too funny!!! Really, it was hilarious!
But it did get me thinking... really are we born this way or did we learn it? Are the girls playing this game because they are born that way or because they hear me complain about my hair so frequently? And, if this is my fault. If this is a vicious cycle of womanhood: the need to degrade ourselves; to compare ourselves. Well, then how can I stop it? As a mother of four girls what can I do to change it? And how do I stop myself from saying things I have always said.... "I am so fat", "My hair is so ugly", "I can't do those amazing things that (you know who you are) does", "I'm a lousy mom", "I have no talents" and on and on. Was I born this way or did I learn it?
8 years ago
5 comments:
There are the same conversations going on around here too - especially on photo day. My skinny sis-in-laws were going on and on about lumps and bumps under the clothes. Sigh...it's never ending criticism of ourselves. We are daughters of our Father in Heaven and he loves us just the way we are!
This morning RIGHT after I woke up, Alexa came in and said, "Mom, pick my prettiest outfit" I told her she has lots of cute clothes any would be fine, she said, "no, I need the prettiest one and you have to pick". After which, Caely said, "mom, what are we going to do with this rag-a-muffin hair?" I think it's part learned and part born. There's my two cents.
Well, my girls are still so young, so they haven't really had too many outside influences. I think a lot comes from school. But we're kind of at an opposite place. Someone will tell Olivia she's pretty and she says "I know." Or "Your hair is so pretty." "I know." So then I'm embarrassed at her lack of humility. But why should she think any different? That's what she's always been told by us. So where's the balance? How do you teach them confidence? We want them to feel great about themselves, but it's frowned upon to say you feel beautiful or truly think that you are. She's learning to say "thank you" instead of "I know." But I want her to continue to feel beautiful, in pajamas with bed hair or all dressed up for church and everything in between. But I do think that as mothers we set the tone. They will think exactly as we do. So even if you think bad thoughts about yourself, never let them hear it. They will repeat it and internalize it. Wow, that was quite a soapbox. Let me know if you find the perfect answer! You definitely gave us something to think about.
Could it be Satan? Love ya!
Yep, I was the bad example. :( Especially going on with Kaella about it. Bad, bad mom. I guess it's a GOOD thing that our other kids were glued to the TV instead of listening to me. How often can you say that?
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