DD Day 17

Today's Scripture: Matthew 6:22

"The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light."

Today's Talk: "Come What May, and Love It" by Joseph B. Wirthlin

I have been very intrigued by the idea Russel M. Nelson put in my head about spiritual binoculars. When looking for the technical term for the gear he refers to (it's called the focus nob) I found out a few more interesting things pertaining to this analogy. I have wanted to explore this more, but I needed to have some time to do it. Well, I am not working today! So, prepare to be amazed about what I have learned about binoculars ;)

DD Day 16 Review

Sometimes when I read the scriptures there are phrases that just resonate in my soul. They jump off the page and connect to me. When I was reading the 31st Psalm today, there were quite a few of these. With a bit of rearrangement, this could be from me:

"I am in trouble... mine eye is consumed with grief" (v.9) So please, Heavenly Father, "Bow down thy ear to me" (v. 2). Please, don't just hear me. Come closer because what I have to say I may only be able to whisper and I need you close to hear. To comfort me while I share. I need to know, that "thou has considered my trouble" (v. 7).  Not just heard me,  but you have thought carefully, taken into account and looked thoughtfully at what troubles my heart. Because right now, "I am forgotten... I am like a broken vessel" (v. 12). A vessel, meant to carry your love and mercy. But it feels broken and I feel forgotten. Heavenly Father, I need you to remind me to "be of good courage" (v. 24) because you will "Let the lying lips be put to silence" (v.18). Especially when those lying lips are found only in my head. For there is "hope in the Lord" (v. 24) and "Into thine hand I commit my spirit" (v. 5).

Anyone who knows me really well, knows that Jeffery R. Holland has often served as a beacon of hope in the sea of my lose. What I am feeling now is lose. His words have brought me nearer to God and have pulled me through some of the darkest shadows. So, knowing I would surely feel more broken today, I felt it was timely to hear him remind me that God can and does mend broken things. I need to hear an apostle of God remind me of this great promise: "I promise you He is not going to turn His back on us now. When He says to the poor in spirit, 'Come unto me,' He means He knows the way out and He knows the way up. He knows it because He has walked it. He knows the way because He is the way."

I am trying "to reach out, however feebly, for Him". Because God is for me. He is never against me.

A Larger Look at a Secret Pain

I'm not really sure why it still hurts so much. It isn't like I have never been released from a calling before. Really, there was only one other calling that hurt to be released from and the was the Relief Society Presidency. Presidency callings are the only callings that I've felt like I haven't finished. I thought I had through camp this year. I had very specific confirmation about that. Which, of course, leaves me to wonder what I did wrong. Camp Kick-Off was last night. It was the trigger I knew would be pulled yesterday. It was the reason I finished my report for the day by 6:30. Because I knew that I would not see things in the same light later.

A little part of me keeps say, "Grow-up, Kelli". Another little part points out how much of my time was spent in meetings and I should be grateful that I don't have to do that anymore. I should be grateful to have my time back. And yet, I miss them so much. I miss the feeling of being needed by them. I miss the inspiration. I miss their testimonies. I miss the curriculum that I had so little time to work with. I miss feeling helpful. I miss talking to them. And though it is stupid... I feel exiled. Like I am no longer allowed. And I don't want to be that person that can't move on, but when you have that kind of experience. When God clarifies everything so that He can work through you. So that He can touch the lives of His precious daughters. That is a hard thing to move away from. It is hard to be released from His service because He just doesn't need you there anymore.

I try to keep trying to rely on the scriptures that Heavenly Father sent my way when I was released. It started with Jeremiah 29: 11-14 which has been my go-to scripture for the past 6 years. The scripture I always read when things get tough because God promises: "I will be found of you" (v. 14). When I got released, I read this and felt compelled to follow the footnotes. The scripture connected to "expected end" (v. 11) is Jeremiah 31:17 but I actually start at verse 13: "...for I will turn their mourning into joy, and will comfort them, and make them rejoice from their sorrow...Thus saith the Lord; Refrain thy voice from weeping and thine eyes from tears: for thy work shall be rewarded saith the Lord...And there is hope in thine end..." (Jeremiah 31: 13, 16-17).

Honestly, though, the only way I could have prevented this pain was to never have been YW president. Or to have held back. To have given less of myself. And that would have been the greater loss. Because these girls are worth everything and deserved no less from me.

DD Day 16

Today's Scripture: Psalms 31:12

"I am like a broken vessel."

Today's Talk: "Broken Things to Mend" by Jeffery R. Holland

I was reading over some of my posts today while I added more of the days that were written by hand. It occurred to me that I seem to sound positive. Definitely  more positive than I feel. Inside I still feel broken. There are so many things that don't make it to these pages. Because while I may seem forthcoming, I really don't want everyone to know the complexity of the damage I feel. What you see here, is only a peek. What you see here is my attempts to fill the cracks with God. It is quite therapeutic. 

A few years ago, a friend of mine sent me an email with this video. It came at another time when I felt broken. I might need to hear it again because it did help.

DD Day 15 Report

Neal A. Maxwell said, "worldly anxieties are not part of being 'anxiously engaged' (D&C: 58.27)". Sometimes, it is time to stop. To be still and know He's God. "God is in the details! Just as the Lord know all of His vast creations, He also knows and loves each in any crowd- indeed, He knows and loves each an all of mankind".

As you all know by now, one of my great fears is that I am failing as a mother. Today, I started reading a new book (I'm still keeping my reading to uplifting stuff instead of escaping stuff), No More Perfect Moms by Jill Savage. Something she said in the book really struck me: "There are no perfect moms- just imperfect women who will fall off the pedestal of their own expectations more often than they care to admit." I don't know how many times I have fallen off my own "perfect pedestal" and then picked it up to hit myself in the head with it. You know, just to make sure it sunk in. And then I erect it again and try to climb up. Funny thing is, I am not suppose to be perfect yet. God has provided "ample provision" for the redemption of His children. This provision "consists of imperfect people like you and me, committed to shining and serving in our appointed orbits, knowing all the while that we are encircled 'in the arms of (His) love' (D&C 6:20)".

He has started a great work in me. Before I came here. When I was baptized at 17. When I recommitted to not only believing but knowing the gospel. When I promised Him and received a further endowment of His glory. When I became wife, mother, primary teacher, education counselor,  YW president... Right now. He has started a great work in me and He has no intention of stopping until "the day of Jesus Christ". I don't need to be perfect. Only authentic. I don't need to stand on the proverbial pedestal. Only kneel before Him.