DD Day 5-- Take 2

Today's Scripture: Psalms 139:13

"How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them"

 Today's Talk: "Lord I Believe" Jeffery R. Holland

 Here I am. One week after I felt inspired to start my doubt diet. This should be the last day of the seven day program, but instead I am repeating day five. So far this isn't the "best day ever" Here's the list:

• Had to get dressed in Sunday clothes. Trigger pulled.
• Late for church and missed most of Sacrament. Am I even worthy to take it? Failing as a Daughter of God. CONFIRMED.
• New Stake YW Presidency called. And guess what? They are all young, skinny, pretty, cool runners. Comparison trigger. Pulled. God doesn't have use for me. CONFIRMED.

Okay, so I have to stop doing this. Today, Julie Naisbitt shared her testimony. She was discussing Jeffrey R. Holland's address from this past conference entitled "Lord, I Believe". I don't really remember what she said but I do know the impact it had on me and the thoughts I had. I had been pondering about my broken focusing nob on my spiritual binoculars and how I can fix it. The thought that I had was that I need to rebuild the bridge. The part that connects one side to the other (aka the body hinge). Without being able to connect the two sides, my view will always be one side. So before I can work on the focusing, I need to work on the connection.

The first thing I need to build the bridge is a clear area. I have to remove the gunk that is sitting all over the spot where the body hinge will connect. Something that occurred to me on Friday when I was "off the wagon". Many times in my life I have felt like Martha. That I have so much to do that I forget the needful things. But right now, I may have the opposite problem. David didn't struggle until he was given idle time. He didn't sit on rooftops looking at his neighbors wife until after he had someone to cover the front lines for him. As YW president I often felt overwhelmed so I started carving out "me time". Mostly I started reading. A lot. Everything. I read so much that I'm not sure that I could tell you an individual storyline. They all just melted together. I no longer have a list of things to do on the "front line". Someone else is covering that. Perhaps now I don't have time for the "needful things" because I've dedicated too much time to idleness. I don't want to become like David as soon as I have time to rest on my rooftop. I don't want idleness to give way to a look, a name, a meeting, until I am at the point that I contemplate something that I never would have done before. It is time to clean that spot so I can rebuild the bridge.

DD-- Off the Wagon Day 2

Yep. Still off the wagon. Feasting on doubt. I didn't even peak at the scripture for the day. Just read a book and pretended to live in another world.

Time to try again. At the end of this day I decided that it was time to refocus. So I picked up a book we got for Christmas-- For Times of Trouble by Jeffery R. Holland. This book is designed to find peace during difficulties by focusing on the Book of Psalms. The Psalm and subsequent commentary that I read was Psalms 18:36; 94:18-19:

"Thou has enlarged my steps under me that my feet did not slip"; "When I said, my foot slippeth; thy mercy, o Lord, held me up. In the multitude of my thoughts within me thy comforts delight my soul"

Elder Holland said, "He deals with us rather than with the problems we face... the Lord steadies us in those moments when we slip. He secures secures our footing. He keeps us from falling." Sometimes I feel like I'm always falling, sliding, struggling to keep my balance. Sometimes, I am not sure I can ever right myself. Elder Holland continued, "But we would do well to pause and give consideration to the dozens of times that we didn't slip". Maybe I need to focus on trying to see the times I did not fall.

DD Day 5-- Off the Wagon

I totally "fell off the wagon" today. It was my Friday off work and I had plans. After I got the kids off to school I was going to catch up on my 50,000 loads of dishes, scrub the kitchen, clean the floors, was the windows, do some laundry, clean my room. Then at 10:00 I was going for a run until 10:30 where I would end at the school and walk Grace home talking about her day. Look at how proactive I was going to be! I was going to attack my triggers and fears head on!

Trigger: messy house........ Attack: clean it up
Trigger: getting dressed........Attack: wear work out clothes to run
Fear: failing as a mom........Attack: go on a walk with my daughter and clean house for kids
Fear: I can't run anymore........Attack: start running

Instead, this is how my day went. Sariah needed to print or send her essay to her teacher. It was do yesterday but her mom (me) sent the wrong one.

Failing as a mom: CONFIRMED

So I got up and ran to the store to look for a new cable.

Getting dressed: Trigger Pulled

Then I searched Wal-Mart. Nothing. Target. Universal cord $80. No way. Best Buy. Wait until it opens at 10. Universal charger selection from $60-110. No way. At this point I was now in a hurry to drive to the school to pick up Grace.

I will never be a runner again: CONFIRMED

Now I am pretty stressed out. No walk. No happy talk.

Failing as a mom: CONFIRMED. Again.

Then we try Sears. Maybe they have a power cord. Nope. By now there is no way that I will get Sariah's essay to her before "Fun Friday".

Failing as a mom: CONFIRMED. Again and again.

Heading home now, having failed in my task.

Messy house: Trigger Pulled.

And now I have received absolute confirmation that the focusing nob on my spiritual binoculars is, in fact, totally broken. All I can see today is the void.

Doubt Diet Day 4

Today's Scripture: Luke 10:40-42

"But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came to him, and said, Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? bid her therefore that she help me.

And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things:

But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her."

Today's Talk: "Of Things That Matter Most" by Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Here is what sticks out to me first from the 7-Day Doubt Diet: "Looking back now, I can see that I was doing things, but not all of them were God's things for me during that season of my life. The truth is I was serving God more than I was seeking God."-- Renee Swope.

 

 This was a comforting thought to me. Maybe, Heavenly Father wanted me to be released as Young Women's President not because He no longer needed me. Not because I could no longer serve Him. Not because I was no longer of use to the Young Women. Maybe now was the time to be released so that I could have more time to seek Him.

 

I loved serving Him. I loved working with all the beautiful young women in my ward. I loved seeing them grow and learn and build their testimonies. I loved hearing listening to them. I loved the inspiration that I constantly received in their behalf. I loved the feeling that the Lord sought out me to do for Him. But maybe, right now-- this season, is time for me to seek Him. You know, my dear friend Amanda (who also served with me in the YW Presidency) said something like this to me on the day the Bishop came to extend a release to me. I didn't really want it to be true. It seemed almost selfish that I would go from His service so that I could strengthen me. But today, I realized that that simplistic view was incorrect. He still has plans for me, but I need this time to seek Him. To build up my spiritual reserves and to strengthen my faith so that I can serve Him again when called. 

DD Day 3

Today's Scripture: Judges 6:14

" And the Lord looked upon him, and said, Go in this thy might, and thou shalt save Israel from the hand of the Midianites: have not I sent thee?"

Today's Talk: "With God Nothing Shall Be Impossible" by Russell M. Nelson

Today is all about figuring out my triggers. What sets off the downward spiral of my thoughts? What turns me away from the love of God to the vain promises of the world? With an eye towards processing my thoughts with God in a very honest way (see DD Day 3), here is a list of what triggers me.

• Seeing someone who is “perfect”. We all have them. A person who can do all the things you want to do. And do them better. Who can overcome trials that are similar to yours in a productive and positive way. Who can “run” from depression and feels that medication is for weaklings who are lazy and don't try. Who hasn't gained 40 pounds. Who can run a sub-nine minute mile. Who always wears new cute clothes. Who never has to worry about money. Who's kids always have their hair done.... You know that person.
• Looking back at all my many failures. Examining them to an extreme to see what I could do better. Playing the “if only game”.
• Disagreements
• A messy house. Sad, but true.
• Getting dressed in something other than sweats. I don't have clothes that fit...since I gained 40 pounds. The ones I do have I look frumpy in. And I really hate to get dressed on Sundays.

Renee Swope says, “Conflict, criticism and comparison are three triggers that lead me into that yucky place of uncertantiy” This is true for me as well. Though I think that comparison trigger is probably the biggest!