The Secret of Gratitude

So, I know that when you are feeling blue counting your blessings is a helpful way to help feel better. I have been trying to keep a mental list for the past week or so. Everytime something good happens, I add it to my list. It helps. Not as much as I would like it too. But maybe writting them all down will help. So, in no particular order here are some of the blessings I have received lately.

1. Gracie's "cuddle, cuddle"s
2. The Target Phamacy who went to lunch late to fill some sad lady's prescription
3. My new insurance that didn't charge me for said prescription
4. The Temple
5. Pres. Lamond's talk and reminding me that sometimes trials are meant to "build a new wing" in my mansion
6. Books. Especially ones with happy endings. I love to escape my own reality and live in someone elses
7. Friends who plan day trips with me and give me something to look forward to. Thanks.
8. Friends' husbands who still need a little kick in the shin
9. Visiting Teachers who send you emails when they know you need them
10. Disneyland... duh!
11. Doctors that can see you within the week
12. Sisters who recommend doctors
13. And babysit for you to see them
14. Book group
15. 3am chats
16. Enrichment activities... Thanks Amanda
17. Friends who drag me out of my house and force me to walk "all the way to Herriman" while discussing books
18. The same friends who make me laugh hysterically over certain parties
19. Friends who inform my husband that they need to know when I feel sad. Thanks for thinking of me. I miss you. Let's get ice cream
20. Running while whining about how hard my day had been. PS Running friends, I miss you! What's up lately?
21. My husband. He should be 21-100, but for the sake of space I'll only give him one line.
22. That my husband knows sometimes my girlfriends can help me more
23. Music. Even if I prefer sad songs right now, I am still grateful to have it
24. My blog so that I can express all this
25. My blog stalkers. Thanks for leaving comments!

Loopholes

So, we decided that Gracie was getting a bit old to be relying on her pacifier so much. It was hard over the summer because her sisters gave her anything she wanted... including the dreaded "paci". As soon as they went back to school, we told Grace of the new rule for her pacifier. It is for "na na time" only. She can have when she takes a nap or goes to bed for the night. She's been pretty good about. She'll take it out of her mouth and leave it in her bed. But just the other day, she discovered a loophole in our plan. She started asking me if she could go to bed. "Bed, bed?" she would say. So I would put her in her bed and she would promptly stick her pacifier in her mouth. About five minutes later she yells, "out!" This happens multiple times throughout the day. Her loophole...

Secrets from my Visiting Teacher

Today, I received an E-mail with this link from my Visiting Teacher:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAjkRkF2yEs

I really want to add this song to my playlist, but it is not available.

I am so grateful to have good friends who care about me and reach out to me. Thank you for your kindness. Thank you for not judging me. Or asking me "What is wrong with you?!"

Heather, you should win an award. When I think about what it means to truly be a Visiting Teacher... to reach out with love and understanding to those sisters in your charge. I can't help but see how lovingly you do this. It is funny to think that I have never had a formal or traditional visit with you. Somehow you meet my needs without it. Even better than some who dutifully make a visit each month. Thank you for making my burden lighter. I am sorry I just dumped it at your feet, but I am glad that you left a song in my heart. I hope you realize that you made feel just like that Hymn #125, "I'll drop my burdens at his feet. And bear a song away". Literally. Through you. Thank you. Love you.

I love all the rest of you too! Maybe my glowing praise/ bragging about my Visiting Teacher should have been in an e-mail, but it was just not enough! Plus, I really wanted to share this with you. Sorry I am so sappy now...

Dark Secrets

The sun is setting earlier. The days are getting shorter. The tan that I some how managed to get this summer is beginning to fade. Its coming. I've know for the past two weeks that the inevitable was coming. The tenor of my emotions is changing with the seasons. Changing with the school year. I knew. I dreaded it. I tried to hold out. But it came anyway. Like a flood. Like a wave washing over me. Darkening my life. Blurring the edges of my blessings. Dimming the smiles of my children. Invading. Invading the carefully built feeling of normalcy. Of happiness. Of joy.

Now it sits there. Heavy. Dark. Changing the world. Changing my view. Reminding me that I am not normal. That I do not feel the normal hills and valleys of life. Heavy enough to hold my feet. To create a feeling of walking through quicksand. The hard you try to move forward, the more it pulls you under. The bricks it ties to my feet so that I can not even run from it like I would a stressful day. I wish I could. I wish I could just run away from it. I know people who can. I know their are those where running is enough to put it behind them. To hold it off. To keep it in check.

The abnormal sadness that somehow reaches out to touch every aspect of my life. That creates gaping holes in my existence. That voids all things good. The sadness that is so often a constant companion has been missing this summer. It was easy to feel normal. To want to leave my house. To reach out and make new friends. To feel like everyone else. Still having stressful days. Still feeling joy and sorrow. But all in check. All in the realm of normalcy. I knew it was too much to ask for it to stay this way.

And of course, with this feeling comes the feeling of doubt. The wondering about what I am doing wrong. What commandment have I missed. What am I doing that would bring these feelings rushing in. And the guilt. The guilt over what this does to my family. How much harder it is for them. How little good I do for the Lord in reaching out to others. And the guilt of being completely incapable of keeping that one commandment. The one that defines our very existence... men are that they might have joy.

Thanks for enduring this. For giving me this forum to express myself. Words have always had a healing power for me. The ability to form this into some type of structure. Some form. It always makes it easier to bear.

Secrets of Breaking Dawn

Just kidding!!! Don't worry, this is not a spoiler post about anything that happened in the book! But I did want to post about the fun night we had getting the book!

It began at 7 pm Friday night at Mr. Cs. We went to enjoy some gelato with friends before we headed over to the party. I was sooooo glad that our "human" friend Heather could join us. Wish she could have stayed even though she hasn't even read one of the books yet!

And then we headed over to Barnes and Nobel where are secret project was a huge hit! They recorded members of our group for Fox 13 news, the radio station took pix for their website as did Twilight Moms, and of course all the numerous people who stopped us randomly to take pictures of our shirts. Some of our group was even asked if they would sell theirs.... So for all of you dying to know what a secret project was, here it is....

Great work on the slogan Kaella! It was a huge hit!

Then we strolled around B&N for a while running into all sorts of great characters.

Jaqui with a member of the Volturi

Not sure who they are... someone said they were Emett and Rosalie, but come on Rosalie is blonde! But I loved her dress... you can't really see it here, but it was beautiful and modest! That is the kind of dress I want my girls to pick out for dances

Me and Jaqui with Alice

Bella and Edward... the line to have your picture taken was amazingly long!

They were also having many games, which we didn't really play. But this was our favorite:

We had our own personal contest for who the most obsessed teenagers.... and the winner is:

And for the most obsessed moms:

But they say that it is really Ali... but she'll never admit it!

Thanks to the amazing and wonderful Erica Booth (kneeling at her feet saying I'm not worthy!), we were able to get our books in record time! At 12:03, all 2o-something of us were out of Deseret Book with our books in hand:

And then it was off to Jaqui's for a read-a-thon! We literally stayed up all not reading. Seriously! All night, I didn't even stop to close my eyes until about 1pm and then it was only an hour nap! I did feel bad for my sister though... she was trying to savor the book so I was reading it twice as fast as she was. Sorry you had to endure all my "Ahhh!"s and "Ohhh!"s and giggles and "no! no! no!"s. I am sure it was horrible!

I do have thoughts, opinions etc on the book, but I'll give the rest of you a chance to finish it before I start spoiling it for you!

To my Jamie.... I missed you! I missed you! I missed you! We so desperately wanted to have you with us!!!!!! We ARE doing the movie together! And you are welcome to join us a "sister-wife" to Edward!

PS Thanks to all my friends who brought their teenage daughters to this. I can't wait (really I can, I don't want them to grow too fast) to take my girls to something like this! It was fun to watch you all interact and share a comman interest! Thanks for acting as Alice and giving me a glimpse into my future!