Time After Time

"After my picture fades and darkness has turned to grey..."

Sometimes there is a song that resonates through out your life. "Time After Time" is that song for me. At first, it was just a catchy song by weird lady who never seemed able to open her eyes completely. I liked it. I sang along to it in my youth. It was good.

Then I went away to college. As the oldest, my mom missed me. A lot. She sent me so many little cards just to say she was thinking of me. And this song was resurrected in my playlist. This time it wasn't just a good song. Now it was about me and my mom. Because I was "walking too far ahead". And as much as my mom may have wanted the "second hand" to unwind, it never could.

Then I got married. And there was now a new person who would be there to catch me if I were to fall. Around this time I began to understand what it meant to suffer from depression. Living hours away from family, in a cinderblock apartment in a strange town with no friends and moving from "Kelli" to "Steve's wife". Luckily, even though I now felt like to one who was falling behind I had someone who loved me enough. Enough to see through the ups and downs. Enough to watch through the window and wonder if I'm okay. Enough to make "suitcases of memories". Enough to keep every unwindable second worth the effort. Over the past 17 years he has been there "time after time". Good time after bad time after worse time after best time. Every time.

Then, after three beautiful daughters, I lost a baby. And every single second of those horrible weeks seemed to unwind; unravel. As I would lie in bed at night, all I could do was think of what could have been. Think of my little baby that wasn't. "Caught up in circles" and confusion. But when this awful, heart wrenching experience was repeated a few months later I really understood what it meant to hit the bottom. This song reappeared on my playlist.

It was here during the darkest part of my life that I really came to understand the lyrics. To see that when I am lost, I can look and I will find Him. I have a Savior. He is there. He will catch me. He will slow down when I fall behind. As my darkness began to turn to gray, I realized that it is truly my Savior who is with me time after time. I have realized that there is a plan for me and God knows it. Sometimes I get so excited about something that I find myself rushing ahead to greet the next phase only to find that I missed the turn. Luckily, Heavenly Father know how to get me to turn around. It is not always pleasant, but it is effective.

So, what makes me think of this today? Well, a little over a year ago I spent a lot of time here trying to figure out what direction I was suppose to go. I was definitely lost. Two months ago during Fast and Testimony meeting I was thinking about how far I've come from that place. Now in a better place, God was able to show me part of His plan (or maybe I was finally able to see it). I struggled with being released when I was. I couldn't understand why I had felt numerous promptings about how long I would serve and suddenly I lost 5 months of the time I thought I had. Why? Why would I be prompted about how long I would be the president just to have it taken? Who messed up? Surely, this was a result of some human error and not the plan for me. But it was the plan.

Because I was released I responded to a random email for a job. Because I desperately wanted to fill up my summer, I accepted the job. Because I accepted the job, I  found a place that is a joy to work at. I have met new friends. I have received great blessings and super discounts. And because I was released when I was I was in the right place to blessed. My wonderful bosses asked me to become the manager of the store and this became the answer to many prayers that have been sent up over the past few years.

All of this serves as a reminder that God knows what He is doing. Time after time. But sometimes we can only see the plan when our own pictures fades and we let darkness slowly lighten to grey.